This is an 12-17-11 update of my Bio.
On 12-17-11 I celebrated 24 years clean and sober. The number might be a mile stone but its to give hope to others that if I can get clean anyone can. I started using alcohol and drugs to medicate my bipolar disorder, social phobia anxiety. I almost died five times.
When I was 13-14 yrs old the medicine they gave me was Darvon and I would drink and it would fuck me up. They had no antidepressants back them. I was brought up in a very mentally, physically and sexually abusive, God fearing dysfunctional home. My girlfriend Debbie my first love died when I was 16. No mental health counseling and my parent s were like robots due to chemical abuse and mental illness. I started medicating alcohol and drugs from 14-30 yrs old. I knew something was wrong with me. I almost took my life on many occasions. I went to rehab on my own. They had me on suicide watch. Because, I could not medicate myself that was 1987. Still no medications (prescribed) then a half way house for a year. They save my life sending me to AA, NA, GA, CA and AL-anon. I believe that many people that come to AA are not alcoholic. But the 3rd tradition states. To be a member is a desire to stop drinking. They never said you have to. Most people go to self-help programs to learn how to use safely or on weekends. They say we are the last ones on the block! My message go to you want to go!
Remember, I had bipolar disorder when I got there the halfway house, I was off the fucking wall. They sent me to counseling and I was one of the first in upstate New York to try this new medication Prozac 1988. Checked this out my body was healing but my mind was racing about 90-miles an hour in first gear. The first time I took the meds. My mind stopped racing for the first time in years. I was on my bed crying because I was calm for once. It only worked for about two weeks! But I did fine a pd and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I have been in counseling for almost 21 years and under medical supervision with pd . I paid thousands of dollars to get off my meds in 1999 and hired a trainer and was running 20 miles a week and got down to lbs buffed less than 9% body fat!!, eating the best foods and vitamins possible at the time!!! I remember my friend saying that even if you get in the best shape possible you might still need medication!! During this time my mania( which to me I believe is better than cocaine but the lows are worst) was off the hook and I found out a local phone dating services. At that time you could pick what you wanted you get my point. But the cost per min. was expensive. This was the first time I could talk to female without sever panic attacks. At that time I had wireless land line 2.5 gh phone. I burn out two phones in less that a month. I spent more than $3000.00 on minutes. This was easy if we met all the mall and we connected we would go from there. Withreal mania, once I met any women the fear went and being in the best shape. I met allot of women. As we know now that being hyper sexual is a big part of being bipolar its in my view better than cocaine. This is not love! Also, when I was younger using drugs it was always sex for drugs or money. I had to be high or drunk and believe this was from the abuse I received as a child. Shame guilt no love or social skills and panic disorder! Plus other end of mania is depression which is so painful, only a person with bipolar disorder or one who suffers with clinical depression and anyone in between can understand. I myself believe depression is indescribable, but i have seen pics that comes close.
2001 I crashed (mental breakdown)bipolar disorder and had to go on meds and fight this for about three years. 2005 I woke up and felt like I had spring fever. Stopped my meds bought a $40,000 sports car $300.00 sneakers almost lost my job and 18 yrs of recovery! I have been a counselor for 16 years. This counselor told me if I do not see a pdoctor and get on meds. He said there is little I can do for you in that state. Also, he said if your not stable I will not take you money. This is when I got back on meds. I love my job helping people it's a gift. I struggle with my bipolar daily and work has been very stressful. The say when it hurts you feel it not medicating it. I lost the privilege to use alcohol or any mood-altering chemicals. Last December 2008 I went off my meds again and bought two ipod docks total $900.00, $800.00 tattoo and a PA piercing(priceless)ouch! When I went back on my meds I was depressed from Jan to march 09 even with meds!!!
I always forget the down side of my illness. I cycle sometimes min to min, day to day, week to week. This is real symptoms of mental illness!!!
I am grateful to see both parents take their last breath clean and sober. One of the most spiritual things I witness in my life. I forgave them years ago. Resentments can be a killer for me. I believe we need to follow our own path. If you think you need help there a lot of options. Alcohol and drugs beat me into submission. But, I was not pleased with my mental illness, bipolar which I accept now. I have worked directly with more than 20,000 people with addictions and mental illness. I am a trained 5 points ears acupuncture and a specialty in gambling addiction. Also, I will start my free Reiki training in Feb 2010 and we can go to the hospital and perform Reiki on the patients for free. Always given back is the key to get out of my selfishness. One more thing in 2008 me and my coworker and 4 other workers were in the running for what we call a choice awards. This was for direct patient care in a clinical setting. We have 2800 people working at the hospital. We lost, but being nominated was cool. Because the last two years we were taking care of my mom before she died in 12-07. Still caring for my patients!!! This has been my gift since I stopped using chemicals. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. Everything I do I give to my higher power which I call GOD.
I am still in the game? As of 12:20 am est 05/12/2012
Jun 21, 2008
May 14, 2012