I started building homes at age 16 years. I can't read a tape measure or hang a picture today. I cannot work the remote on the TV, nor a microwave oven, or a toaster. I buillt the Ford Center Arena in Oklahoma City as my last project and now I cannot read a book or a newspaper. My wife of 39 years is typing for me. I will not remember any of it in a few hours. I cannot make a sandwich or cut up a steak but I can still dress myself (can't match things but then I never could according to my wife.) I can walk slowly and I can smile inside my mind at our 2 grandchildren and 2 sons.
I used to love golfing, riding our quarter horses and working them with the cattle. I loved our 160 acres and the woods in the fall. I do nothing except sit and watch TV or take short walks or sleep now. Sometimes I don't know my wife or friends and that hurts me when I see the hurt in their eyes. I see strange people in my home all the time and I never understand what they want or if I do understand, I can't do much about it. They get mean at times and that really makes my wife mad. My one true love these days is my border collie/Corgi mix female. She is always with me and never seems hurt when I don't know who she is. At times I think we have 4 of her...now that is a treat. I don't eat as well as I should. I mostly just want candy and cakes..... ice cream is a favorite too. Before I got sick I rarely ate sweet things. My wife and I don't make love any more. I can't even move once I am in bed and haven't been able to sustain an erection since I first got sick. I miss the sex but I miss being able to care for my wife's every need as I use to. I miss wanting to be held. Sometimes I don't like it now because it makes me afraid. I scare pretty easy and that is hard for me to admit for sure. I told my wife that I miss our future so very much. We were going to retire and just see the country for a change. I can't ride in the car for more than a few hours without great pain now and flying is worse with all the hassles these days. I never thought Parkinsons would do this to my mind. My body is in pretty good shape for the shape it's in.... but my mind is going so much faster than I ever suspected. Life is not worth the effort most days as far as I am concerned.
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Feb 16, 2008
Jul 03, 2009