Nancy called my brother and my son, Andrew, to tell them about my condition. It was her idea and I let her do that in spite of my reservations. Hearing ABOUT what I'm going through is different from me telling them myself. Now I feel like I need to reassure them that I'm not depressed all the time. But this forced us to admit that I've been closed off for a long time. I don't stay in touch with my kids or grandkids or step kids and grandkids. Then I feel guilty about it and remain unconnected.
Olivia just graduated from HS and I've seen her in person less than 10 times in 18 years. I've only seen my grandkids in MN a couple of times and I've only visited MN twice. There's an element of "well they're the ones who moved away," but that cutting off my nose to spite my face.
Still no job, still struggling with no income, rising dept. Trying a couple things to find work, but harder and harder to feel enthusiastic. Must resist getting down on myself while needing to bear down with my "best one."
My kids are interring Anita's ashes today, so I won't butt in to talk with them about my condition. I made a commitment to connect with all of my kids and step kids every week - in person or video if possible - weekly. Now to actually do it. I've made this commitment before and let it slide. Resisting sliding down "the rabbit hole," as Nancy puts it. I look at the wear on her face and feel bad.