I got sick almost 10 years ago & since have been unable to work. I was a very energetic and out-going person. I loved to party & go out. I couldn't stand it when people were home bodies. But now I've become one, not by my own choice. I have a cat who lives with my best friend. I survive on Social Security Disability. It took me a long period of denial to even apply for Soc. Sec. Disability. I kept thinking that all I needed was a break & everything would be OK. But then I kept getting worse. So I was left with little choice.

I'm only 34 years old and I feel about 74 most of the time. I watch a lot of TV. Too much in fact. I am still an ambitious person. I have many ideas and I believe that I could contribute much to the world. But it is so slow for me to accomplish things. I wish I could just get it done. I am working on a vampire novel. I had my idea long  before vampires became the popular new thing. I am afraid that it will take me so long to finish it that no one will want to read about vampires anymore. But there will always be others like myself who never tire of vampire mythology.

I am a rather optimistic person despite my situation. Most people fall on one side or the other. They're either optimists or pessimists. I tend to be positive generally. But unfortunately many people equate feeling negative with being negative. They are very different. I feel very bad most of the time, but I'm still able to make jokes and laugh sometimes. I feel like its almost taboo to talk about the badness, & how miserable I feel. People really don't want to hear about it. So that has led me to be rather reclusive. I talk to my frieds and others very infrequently. I don't want to hear that dreaded phrase "just try to be positive". I AM POSITIVE!!! I JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD! People are made very uncomfortable by ranting. Especially when its out loud. I guess that's part of why blogs and stuff are so popular. We can annonymously and without repercussion finally voice all the gripes that piss us off without anyone countering us with "think positive" nonsense, which is very invalidating along with "it could be worse". Its OK to feel what you feel when you feel it.

I live alone, I was homeless & got my apt. throught the homeless shelter system. I am child free by choice. My main reason for being child-free was the freedom that I would be allowed. I wanted to be free to travel, not censor myself, and choose my activities, movies, etc. based solely on my adult tastes. I wanted to be able to spend my energy in creative pursuits. I didn't want to chase toddlers around, carry babies around. Ugh! Just the thought fills me with a dread unknown to man. But my main reason for NOT having them has turned against me in a way. I don't have the energy to do any of the things that child free people are supposed to be able to do.

I'm going back to school (for the 3rd time). This time its for my chosen field of study so I'm hoping third times the charm right? I'm starting my BA for English Language & Literature. I'm pretty excited to go back to school & do well, so I can actually get a degree finally. Illness, ADD, life, etc. has kept me from getting myself through school once and for all. I have never had any assistance in that regard. I think perhaps if I'd had help in high school back when I needed it the most, I would have been able to achieve so much more.