I am a very outgoing person and I keep my depression to myself.. I have started taking Ciprolex (sp?) after many years of taking Celexa.. I am hopeful this newer med will better help me live a more emotionally stable life. I am so tired of being sad and hopeless. i was diagnosed when I was 12- I am 28.
My prayers are with everyone who suffers internally, as well as externally...
"I've been travelling down this road so long.. just tryin' to find my way back home..... the old me is dead and gone.. dead and gone..'
I worry about all the things in life I have missed out on because of this depression.. now and the years before being diagnosed.. the social events I would just be too nervious to attend- even if I spent hours getting ready- the anxiety of actually GOING would keep me back! All this into my teenage years... I would stay home. my friends were daring with drugs and alcohol- I was petrified of getting caught! But now I find I smoke dope all the time.. when I feel that inner turmoil bubble up and over inside.. I use it as a crutch- I know.. but I could choose other things.
I've just moved back to the city after living 2 hrs north of family for over 2 years- the old adage 'out of sight- out of mind' seemed so true.. about my friends... they have all vanished!!! the "BFFs" from highschool- girls I've grown up with thinking we'd be tight forever... gone. Busy. Obsolete. That's how I feel. This machine _knows_ it's a bad machine.....
I got laid off today... I think the best thing that could have happened to me. I don't know how I made it through the week. I blasted my boss yesterday for treating my co-worker and I poorly, saying I couldn't deal with his bullshit anymore... I cried on the way to work.. something I haven't done for a little while... but I pretty much knew I wasn't going to regress back to that shit.. not for the sake of having a job that pays peanuts and ends up leaving me emotionally and physically drained and in no way a good fiancee for my other half. It was ruining my life by being there, I feel. It was such a demoralizing culture and it was turning me into someon I didn't want to be. Thank you God for this hidden blessing. I anticipate a 'Bluer" mood chart :P
All I think about is how useless and valueless I am to those around me.
I dont think i can live today........ there's no reason.. incentive.. HOPE............ none.
but I'm so weak to carry on.. start a new life.. this hurt is always there... i never enjoy anything for long......... i smoke so much dope to keep me mellow.... i'm worrying about everything and everyone.. and no one about me.... wtf is that? what did I do to deserve this?
I am getting stronger. I love living back in the city. So many places to lose myself.
I have made, and hope to continue to meet new friends.
I finally feel my condition is not something to be ashamed of.
I still have terrible days- I fight with my fiancee and I still feel my world crumble down- as it has so many times before... but I build it back up- brick by brick and start over....