I'm many things so I'll just make a list and as you get to know my and my life experiences you'll better understand each entry on my list.
Army brat, rape victim, drunk, young wife and mother, biker wife, survivor, single mom (2 boys), college student, bartender, roofer, broke, afraid, angry, remarried, successful business manager, almost happy, frustrated parent, greiving parent, laid off worker, lawsuit victim/settler, relocator, loser of close grandmother,very frustrated parent, proud grandmother, broken, numb, cold,in pain, trapped, unmotivated, very depressed, alone.
I am a 43 year old woman, my family is from the deep south Alabama/Mississippi. I have a large family, by blood, 3 sisters, 1 brother, plus 3 foster brothers. My father was hard core Army, we moved alot, at least twice a year. My father was away often and for extended periods of time, I was attacked and raped when I was 14 by the school bus driver. By 16, I was a full fledged drunk as well as experimenting with some drugs. got pregnant at 17 1/2, became sober and was married shortly after I was 18. 1st husband was a biker, drunk, violent, and posessive, but into wife swapping. I was often beaten and given away during the 6 years it took me to get away. The next six years of my life was spent being a single parent, student, bartender, roofer, broke, afraid, & angry, In 1996, I remarried, I also changed my line of work and became a sucessful business manager. During the first 5 years of my marriage I was almost HAPPY. I had a normal life, normal stress about my boys, normal financial stress. Then about Christmas time of 2000 my oldest son began to take Xticity. He was 17, quit school, and was staying high all the time. He sometimes would become violent and we feared for the safety of my younger son. Rehab didn't help just made him more angry. Out of desperation made him move out March 2001. June 5th while high on X, drove himself into a phone pole, & died instantly. Something in me died as well. I then was fired unjustly in Nov. 2001. Spent the next two years being torn apart in federal court until I finally agreed to settle. Then youngest went wild and to jail for steeling. Was made to move 900 miles away from friends and family. Then my closet relative became ill and died(grandmother).Then I started to have health problems, knee injury from past auto accident. Had to have ALL my teeth removed at once and due to bone spurs have more surgery and no teeth for 6 months, then dentures. Then I became a Grandmother of a little girl. I have been a migraine sufferer for many years but frequency and intensity has increased over the past 2 years so much that I am unable to think about much else these days. I am unable to keep a job due to frequent time off, am financially in crisis because of work loss, feel old, & ugly since I got dentures. Am moody to the point that relatives avoid me. I cry alot, both from pain and depression. I feel unneeded, unwanted, and that I'm a burden to my spouse. I feel like a failure as a mother, wife, and as a person. I also feel enormous guilt! but most of all I feel alone, abandoned and so afraid.
Jan 05, 2009
Jan 05, 2009