my names misty, im 21yrs old, married, and have four children. landon my stepson is almost 5, josh my stepson is 3, my son zane is 3 and me and my husbands son trenton will be 6 months on april4. i am a stay at home mom, usually i have only zane and trenton but there are times when i have all four of the boys. i had a rough child hood, my mom was a single mother, i was molested by my stepgrandfather when i was 3 or 4 and i was raped when i was in the 9th grade. i used to be a cutter because thats the only way i can show myself i have control. when i started this profile i was feeling depressed having one of my breakdowns i guess u could say. now i look back and think damn i wish i could at least be that happy. my depression seems to have gotten alot worse, i had been free from the cutting for two yrs, and now i've started again. dont get me wrong i dont want to die, i love my family and my babies, i just cut because that way i know i have control over one aspect of my life. its also my way to calm down. when my youngest son trenton cries i get this painful tightening in my chest and i have a really really hard time breathing i actually lock myself in my bathroom and just cry for hours, but as soon as i pull the blade across my skin an see the red emerge the pain slowly goes away as if im letting all of the anger and sadness and everything just drain out of my skin. but then afterwards i see the cuts on my arm and i cry again because i dont want to be like this, i dont want to have to hide my arms from my husband just so he wont find out. i've tried asking for help but its always the same thing "Oh, its just stress u just have the baby blues u'll snap out of it".... well if im supposed to snap out of it then when??? i cant live my life like this im a prisoner in my own head, just trying to reach out for help and everyone just turns their backs, so why even try???
Dec 31, 2008
Jan 09, 2010