"I AM come of a race noted for vigor of fancy & ardor of passion. Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence–whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought–from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, & thrill, in awakening, to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret."
-E. A. Poe
I was raised to be self analytical.
In the 17 years (so far) ive been seeing physcologists/physciatrists i have been DIAGNOSED (yes, professionally)as being; obssessive compulsive, major depressive, bipolar, social phobic, back to major depressive(scratch the manic depression), having social anxiety, dysthymic, and now, as of only a few days ago, after being told a little less than a year ago by my old psychiatrist that "there is no way, i just dont fit the symptoms, etc"...im being told IM FUCKING BIPOLAR!
Ive gone from being addamently anti-medication, believing healing/"stability" would come through positivity, a heathly diet, meditation, reflection, all that hippy shit... well, that didnt work and i spent 2 and half years in bed, cutting off contact from anyone who cared, trying to work up the motivation to even shower. now, i turn to lithium. if this kills the minute amout of creativity, passion, and imagination i have left im gonna be pissed. but, ill try anything once.
if youre ever in texas and need professional help emotionally, MOVE. only then do i suggest you seek it. Doctors can be helpful, but theyre human.
However, i feel im lucky when i look around and see my idiot "peers", with their self inflicted bullshit and feeling of self entitlement. in comparison, i believe im at a coherent advantage. So what if i lose my temper every once in a while, feel euphoria in place of genuine happiness, occasionally cry a littler harder than usual? Im an insignificant speck in relation to this world... if i died today, sure my friends and family would be sad, but in the big picture, wouldnt make a fucking bit of difference... earth would still revolve. AND I REALIZE THAT. im grounded, intelligent, passionate, loving, and genuine. and, also, a little neurotic. oh, and crazies occasionally rant.
Dec 18, 2008
Dec 22, 2008