Lets see where to begin. I was 13 when the depression began and I have been struggling ever since. I have been thru many doctors over the years. I have been on even more medications. Never seeming to find the right fit.
I remember a shrink once saying to me this is what you life is and it is going to be like this for the rest of your life - you need to accept it. It was like a death sentence.
After trying to self medicate for many years I had my daughter and I was fine! Then they said if we had know this sooner we would have told you to just get pregnant (I was 23).
Nowadays absolutely no drugs, alcohol or medications. I have found myself in this familiar spiral again. Life feels out of control. I have found a counselor that I have been seeing for almost 2 years was being preventative just to keep a balance on a demanding lifestyle. She is great and many times my rock but no meds (which is the way I would prefer).
I am very educated with my disease and I know myself well and my body well but with that it doesn't mean I don't go into denial just like everyone else. The difference is when I do - I am aware of how I am manipulating myself.
I need to go back on meds I have avoided them for a long time and not really sure what to try. I also have a hard time with someone talking to me for 30 minutes and giving me months worth of drugs. I am terrified and getting thru the side effects is always difficult and I am not sure I have the energy for it.
My other problem is I am a single mother of a 14 yr old very active daughter. She knows I have had some issues with Depression in the past (mom's just a little blue this week). She has no idea and I can usually hide it until she goes to bed then I fall apart. When I am not able to get things done I usually play the tired card or "I'm not feeling well today". Her schedule is amazing demanding and I need to be able to manage everything.
I recent made a career change over the last several months and financially it has hit me very hard. I am under a great deal of stress.
None of my friends are aware of what is going on in my life. I am going thru my isolation phase and have more excuses than most could imagine. My main support is my mother who is a saint for putting up with me. On other days she is the one who puts me back under.
I have decent days and bad days. On my decent days I try to do as much as possible within my limitations. However the bad days seem to be increasing and I am stuck.
Nov 05, 2008
Mar 26, 2009
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