First of all I want to thank the many people here at PLM who have personally reached out to me with many kind words and encouragement. I am a 50 years old. Bipolar I & II ,etc. Mother of two and a Grandmother of one. My grandson Gavin has been my savior.My life, I am a very religious person but even the bible talks about the sick and depressed souls.I have described myself as being broken and I still feel that way as long as this illness has a hold of me.I have a very supportive family, but I am here to be with others like me who truly understand my situation. Here is my story..............

I am a survivor of sexual,  physical, verbal, abuse.I was 4 years old when I as sexually abused by my father,although I remember bit and pieces of things that happened when I was younger, but was to young to understand.This made me a very very shy person,and I always felt different from other kids.I was always a nervous kid and worried about every little thing.I got teased a lot when I was young, I was an easy target.But worse of all was the being verbally abuse by both my mom and dad, I could never do anything right in their eyes and they let me know it. We would get beatings alot over little things. My three other sister also were being  sexually abused but we never ever talked about it, until we we adults, In those days in the late 1960's there was no where to go for help and we were to scared of our father to tell anyone, even if there had been.My father was also a wife beater, and my mom left countless times only to return again,and again even though we begged her to leave. I know our teachers noticed the bruises on us kids but didn't say anything,people just didn't get involved in those days. I left home when I was 19 years old ,after my baby sister turned 18, I didn't want to leave her alone at home. We both got married the next year.My other brothers and sister have gone on to live very productive lives. and I envy them because, I have never be able to get away from my past, no matter how much I try. I have always been a very sensitive person, and every thing affect me alot. I was in my late 20's's when my own children were growing up(especially when my own daughter turned 4 years old) I started having terrible panic attacks, and suffered from migraine headaches that left me in bed most of the time. I truly did not want to live at that time, I thought that my husband and children would be better off without me.The only reason I didn't commit suicide was because I did not have the guts to do it. I did go to the clinic as I didn't have insurance and the doctor thought I was having problems only because I couldn't sleep.I had never told anyone except my husband about the abuse. It took another ten years before I sought treatment. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, PTSD, Major depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, I also suffer from Insomnia.I still get headaches on a regular basis but their not migraines like before. I have tried so many medications I can't count how many any more. Right know I'm really suppose to be on more meds ,but they are very costly.I have had treatment by professionals, but not at this time, even though I now have insurance, seeing a psychiatrist is very expensive , the last time I went to one was 2 years ago and my insurance only allows a certain amount of visits,  and I have a $2,500 deductible to meet and it takes a year to get into the government programs.I still have nightmares about my childhood, that leaves me upset for days, and I only go out once or twice a week with my husband, and even then I have panic attacks even though I take medication for it. I am now retired after working almost 20 years in home health field. I have only recently begun to fell like life is worth living.I am a new Grandmother and I am now very fortunate to be able to take care of my grandson, while his parents work and go to school part time. I'm so happy to be able to have him in my life and it keeps me active otherwise I would probably spend all my time in bed, because thats what I do on the days when I don't watch him. My husband is very supportive, but it's hard on him because he does most of the work around the house, he does the grocery shopping although he likes doing that. This is the first time I have joined a group like this and I am flabbergasted of how many people suffer from mental illness, but I am glad to be here a PLM, because there are alot of cool people here, and I know that when I say something people here truly understand. My hope is that I can help others by sharing my experience and I know that by talking to others with the same issues, it will help me also.