PatientsLikeMe ™

I used to be very active all around whether it was my jobs, sports in school, you name it. I always struggled with the endurance aspect of my activity level and thought I was just pushing myself too hard. I couldn't keep up with everyone else. I used to ride and compete horses but it took a lot out of me. I used to be a bakery manager, but it took everything out of me. I used to be very creative and had dreams of great things for myself. Everything that I was and wanted to be took everything out of me and left me with nothing but pain and suffering to show for it. My husband and I even moved from Maine to Illinois in hopes that medical care there would be better for this condition that was given to me after years of unanswered questions. I saw dr after dr, had test after test done, procedures, therapies, meds, you name it all to no avail. Now I am on disability and trying to figure out what my purpose in life is and find a cure/better way to live with this curse. I call it a curse because I feel like I have been given a life sentence with no chance of parole for a crime I didn't commit. I had promised myself that I would not let this condition change me or rob me of who I am, but somehow, somewhere, it did. I am no longer the person I was and that angers me. I liked who I was before, and now, if I ran into her, I wouldn't recognize her. Every dream I had or thing in life I loved is gone. Not buried or hidden, but is no longer there. Very few drs believe in fibro let alone are willing enough to help you with this condition. More drs today are aware of it than they were 10-15 years ago that's for sure. I have had a few drs try to help me find a better quality of life with no success and I have had drs tell me it's all in my head and to learn to live with it. Do I have depression? You bet I do. Who wouldn't after suffering with chronic pain daily for countless years now? Am I crabby? More than that.  Who wouldn't be since with chronic pain comes sleep deprivation and sleep deprivation causes the pain to intensify. Because of the pain, I can't sleep unless medicated. I have been searching for YEARS for SOMETHING that would lead me to find something that would help me. All I have learned is I am more confused now than ever since depending on who you talk to, everyone has a differing opinion on fibro. Do I feel I've had this all my life? Yes I do. But I have yet to find a dr or someone, who can help me. I am left with drs saying there's nothing they can do for me. What do you do when you've reached the bottom of the barrel? All the tests done on me always come back clean and the drs can't find anything wrong. So how does one live with not only an invisible illness but probably something else that can't be defined by anything medically? To say this journey has tried me in every way is an understatement. My faith has dwindled because I am too tired and can't function as a "normal" human being anymore and I am at a loss. So I ask, where does one go from there?