PatientsLikeMe ™

I was diagnosed by Dr. Ellen Mumves, a well known arthritis doctor who prescribed 5 meds, and told me to go home and live with the disease. I did just that. After a abusive marriage, a move back to my abusive family of origin, homelessness with my then 4 year old, I got really sick. I was out 28 days in 4 months at my interior design job. I got let go and evicted from my rental house. I went through hell. No family to support me because they all said that I could do more. I couldn't do more...it was like being angry at a quadriplegic for not being able to run a marathon. I couldn't stay healthy. I did everything I could to take care of myself and my daughter.  I went back to school at 43 to finish a teaching degree only to be told by the college that they didn't think I was healthy enough to be recommended for full time certification. That broke me even more when my doctor and I knew it to not be the truth. I only wanted to get certified to be a substitute teacher so that I could teach when I felt good enough to work. I was told I showed poor promise as a teacher even though I graduated with  3.61 GPA. I managed to support my daughter on SSI and public assistance with rent assistance through HUD. I finally got a substitute teaching position at a very exclusive school connected to the church I joined. I was teaching for 3 years when my daughter started acting out against me and reported me for child abuse....which there was none and I was cleared of. This poor child knew my condition and suffered with me. When one of her rich classmates, friends' mother took an interest in her and started buying her presents and taking her on trips, I couldn't compete. Her friends mother was a doctor and told everyone that I was an incompetent mother...yet I was a  teacher and my daughter was a good student in an exclusive private school. This Doctor wrote diagnosis against me and got Children and Youth involved.... saying I had "on going and untreated mental health problems."  At the time I was in counseling for not being able to be a teacher and for my daughter acting out on me.  My daughter would call me a fn whore and told me that I was worthless and couldn't provide for her...at 15 she was told by these people that she had nothing but until then she thought she had everything because I worked so hard to make sure she had everything.  I couldn't work full time but I would bargain with dance and music studios to clean so that she could have lesson at at reduced rate. I would take a bus 40 minutes one way so that she could go because I couldn't afford a vehicle. I watched my health deteriorate and my daughter would only yell at me and tell me I was worthless. I have come to believe that I am worthless and although I have tried to do the best I can. I have failed at everything...even suicide. My daughter wanted to be emacipated and now lives with a very wealthy family who buy her everything and send her on international trips for school. This foster mother who is a nurse told me that she has never seen anyone as stupid and lazy as me....and this is who is "fostering" my only child. 

My brain and conscience tells me to do more but my body just shuts down or I pick up the most recent strain of flu. I am "fluing" now...but no squiggly tale or snorting as of yet. I get so tired of calling in sick when I want to work. Then when I do work, SSI takes money away and HUD raises my rent to a point that I would be better off if I didn't work at all.

I have beat the disease for years...but after so much heartache, and so much isolation and hatred directed at me, I feel the disease is taking hold. My only hope most nights is to go to bed and not wake up...at least there would be no more pain.

I know that there is a psychological component to this disease but it is a vicious cycle...health problems...money problems...relationship problems...health problems.

I just would like to find an off ramp and not have to be a burden to anyone anymore.