I am a too-sensitive person who grew up in a chaotic unlucky family. It seems to me that I was born guilty and ashamed. I stayed away from my family for a long time and found that I felt better. Then each one of them died except for my brother. Each death hit me very hard. I'm reeling from it now.
I have a history of depression and substance abuse. I have not had a proper diagnosis in years. I had 2 serious suicide attempts in my late twenties when I was first diagnosed with depression. In 2002 I went on SSD disability with the diagnosis of major depression.
I have never been married or had children (lucky for them.) I have serious problems getting along with certain people which has caused many problems for me and for them. Most people seem to either like me a lot or detest me. I have a pretty low opinion of myself. When people ask me what sign I was born under, I usually tell them I'm a Feces. If I went to the doctors more, I think I might be diagnosed with: borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, bipolar2. I plan on visiting the doctor soon so we'll see.
I read extensively and enjoy learning new things when I'm not too depressed. The more depressed I get, the more likely I am to read fiction. I like bugs, especially those brown crickets that show up in bathrooms. I don't think I could survive without cats. I also like blimps. I like to pretend that flying saucers are real but I know they're not.
In the last five or six years my depression has gotten much worse. No medicines work for me now. From 1989 to 1992 I responded very well to Prozac and my whole life changed for the better. Then it quit on me and I was worse than ever. I have had horrible problems periodically with alcohol and drugs. When I was about 30 I got sober with the help of meetings. I lasted for 6.5 years then relapsed for 1.5 years. After that I had a stretch of sobriety that lasted 10 years. 7 years ago I started drinking and fooling around with pills again. It took a while to get really bad again but by last July I knew I'd had enough. I've now been drug-free for 5 months and alcohol free for two. I rarely miss them now. Easter. That's me on the left.
Vacationing in Florida, 1975.
Orangie, Little Grey, Blackie, Marble.
I think it's time I updated this profile. Not surprisingly, after writing the original bio, I drifted into drugs and alcohol again and I've pretty much been trying to get back out ever since. With varying results. My quality of life is almost always lower when I drink. Drinking becomes a daily thing very fast and gets out of control. So far I've avoided the most serious kinds of consequences but that can't last forever, the drinking has to stop. As of yesterday, it has stopped.
I was recuperating yesterday from a prolonged binge with red wine (3 or 4 days straight). I was at the point where I REALLY did not want to drink any more; the physical symptoms of withdrawal had peaked and the mental ones were starting up. Coincidentally, a friend who has serious kindney and liver damage from prolonged hard drinking (harder than I drink when I do) stopped by in a state of despondency with two cans of beer in a bag (for himself, not me). I didn't try to stop him from drinking it, that kind of thing basically doesn't work. I wish I would have tried to stop him now though - he proceeded to get totally shitfaced on just two beers, he was being is usual highly-annoying self when he drinks.
He could barely keep his head up on his shoulders. I asked him how he had gotten so trashed, had he taken some kind of drug? No he said, that's how it is now because my kidneys don't work. And he keeps on drinking. I watched my sister die that way and now it looks like this guy's life is over. He's very scared, he keeps on drinking. When he left, he fell on the sidewalk in front of my place. I just let him go; very selfish of me and probably a very bad idea, but I didn't want to see it any more. I'm sure he understands. Today I'm afraid to call him. He left talking about buying street drugs to kill himself. This has been going on for years, but it's taken a very serious turn with his declining physical condition.
Why am I putting all this in my profile? Because watching my mother, grandmother, sister, father, and dozens of other people die since 1999 was over has had a huge effect on me; it seems to have basically shut me down. Everyone deals with death of loved ones but I feel it extra hard, I just do.
Seeing my friend like he was yesterday really brought home to me that I have to stop or I will soon be the same as him. It is insane for me to drink for another reason too - I have the hepC virus, it's been in be for over 35 years. As the years go by the chances of sudden liver failure go up. So far the disease is "asymptomatic" but sometimes I wonder if my fatigue and some other symptoms are at least partly caused by this virus. I am waiting to see a liver specialist now.
Jun 30, 2009
Aug 15, 2012