PatientsLikeMe ™

I have spent most of my life going from major depression, to hyperactivity.  It never got super out of control, I slept every night, but my happy times were exhausting.  It was one extreme or the other.  But for the most part I thought that this was "normal" life and I lived with it.  As I got older it never got better, the depression got worse, and the hypomanic got worse.  It became harder to deal with as time went on.

I had many reasons to think that situational changes would be the solution to solve my problems.  I came out gay my senior year of high school and thought that going to college would make me happy.  I didn't get happier in college, and I assumed that when I found a boyfriend, it would be better, but it didn't get better.  

I started trying drugs in college because they made me happier and relieved stress.  It wasn't to extreme, some acid, pot a couple times, and some drinking here and there.  But in college I felt I was about to burn out.  I was needing to be in a constant manic to keep up, but I was running out of steam.   I had a hard time forcing myself to be manic, and I would finish the semester and sleep like crazy.  My depression got so severe in college that I almost failed out my last semester.  I had to take courses over the next year and I got my biochemistry degree.

I then thought if I could just get a job, not be a student, I would be happy.  I got excited at first and then hit my typical wall and became extremely depressed again.  This is when I started smoking pot constantly, as it was the only thing I became happy with.

Then i thought a change of city would make me happy.  I moved from Agawam Massachusetts to Atlanta, GA.  I didn't get the job of my dreams, I didn't find a boyfriend, but I became a drug addict.  I went from X, to cocaine, pot, ghb, special K, and finally crystal meth, which is what I was ultimately addicted to.  By getting high, it would put me in this incredible full manic happy high (at first), and of course I would crash and feel like hell.  

In Atlanta I went from job to job in both coffee shops and restaurants, usually doing lots of drugs, although my last job at Starbucks I was completely sober.  At every single job I did the exact same thing.  I would start off excited and manic.  I worked as much as possible, even if it was 50 to 60 hours a week.  I was very helpful to everybody on staff, did work for other people, changed my shifts constantly.  I always got promoted to supervisor, manager and trainer.  

 And then I would always hit a wall, and become extremely depressed.  I stopped having stamina to work, I stopped caring about it.  I would become extremely irritable, and constantly complain about how this once fantastic job was horrible now.  And then I would become self rightous.  I would get written up if I slacked off one shift.  How dare they write me up?  Didn't they see all the hard work I do?  YOu have one bad day and they hate you. Out of nowhere I would be demoted, humiliated, and then I would get fired if I didn't quit soon enough.

It happened at every job, and this is what most people don't seem to get.  I can explain this all day to most people, and all they will tell me is that I need to not bring my problems to work, I need to stay quiet, I need to keep control of my emotions.  

People rarely get it.  I'm a smart person, and I have a college degree, but I can't keep my moods in check to actually get a good job and keep it.  

At Starbucks this summer I had been on depakote ER, which made me fat and like a zombie.  I had always been very irritable with the job, even when I was working hard because the pay was rediculously low.  But I was getting promoted again and happy about that.  HOwever I started tapering off depakote in July, just as I got a new store manager, one of which was totally not understanding or compassionate to me, and was always on a power trip.  So as I came off the medication, it made me veyr dizzy and I had bad head aches, and i was pretty jumpy and short tempered.  My  last boss understood this about me and would work with me.  My new boss would fight with me constantly, and I would get so angry I wouldn't be able to calm down

I got fired for harassment, which they had no proof of it ever happening.  I know it was because I was having a hard time with my medication, and when I finally got my complaint letters they mentioned my mood swings, and me blaming it on medications, as if I wasn't taking resonsibility for myself.  

I felt totally out of control of my life.  I had been sober and I was still having nasty bipolar mood swings.  This is when I realized that my problems were bigger than situations, city changes, and sobriety.  Most people in sobriety don't understand this either.  I can stay sober, but I can't control my depression, and simple tasks like exercise, counting 1 to 10 don't work, because I am not aware that I become angry or irritable, and when i do it can be very difficult to stop it.

I have been unemployed since september, and it has been very good for me.  I finally got a chance to get some amazing therapy, change my medications, realize how much of my problem was social anxiety and panic due to my bipolar disorder, and just rest my mind and body.

I am now on Lamictal which I have found works quite well.  It has very few side affects, and it seems to calm me down and help me be aware of my mood swings.  I'm also coming off Cymbalta which I recently learned was adding to my anxiety and panic.  It works on norepinephrine which causes endorphins, flight fight freight, adrenyline.  For some people this can be an amazing help, but for me it put me out of balance.  

I have no idea what direction I'm going yet, but it's good because for the first time I feel like I have a good understanding of my past, and what went wrong.  I've been able to get very good help, and my moods and anxiety are calming down.  

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  LOL