1. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated the condition Phobic disorder

    • First symptom: ?
    • Diagnosis: ?

    I don't know why I'm afraid to socialize or communicate. Fear of failure or of negative judgement? I paralyzes me and I cocoon.

  2. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy was feeling bad

    Oh, yeah. Decided to call my mother and break the impasse. No talk about work or money. Just checking in on how she's doing. I think she was crying a little during the short 5-minute call.

    Gonna spend less time working in my bedroom office. Moving to kitchen table. Will try to make a better 3-minute self-promo video for Elisa's presentation. I'd rather she not used the current gloomy video I shared with her.

  3. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy was feeling bad

    Nancy called my brother and my son, Andrew, to tell them about my condition. It was her idea and I let her do that in spite of my reservations. Hearing ABOUT what I'm going through is different from me telling them myself. Now I feel like I need to reassure them that I'm not depressed all the time. But this forced us to admit that I've been closed off for a long time. I don't stay in touch with my kids or grandkids or step kids and grandkids. Then I feel guilty about it and remain unconnected.

    Olivia just graduated from HS and I've seen her in person less than 10 times in 18 years. I've only seen my grandkids in MN a couple of times and I've only visited MN twice. There's an element of "well they're the ones who moved away," but that cutting off my nose to spite my face.

    Still no job, still struggling with no income, rising dept. Trying a couple things to find work, but harder and harder to feel enthusiastic. Must resist getting down on myself while needing to bear down with my "best one."

    My kids are interring Anita's ashes today, so I won't butt in to talk with them about my condition. I made a commitment to connect with all of my kids and step kids every week - in person or video if possible - weekly. Now to actually do it. I've made this commitment before and let it slide. Resisting sliding down "the rabbit hole," as Nancy puts it. I look at the wear on her face and feel bad.

  4. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy was feeling bad

    Stayed up last night watching movie. Fell asleep and woke up early with weird stomach like deep hunger pangs with nausea.

    Yesterday had garage sale of camping gear. Sad but made $240. Applied for CM job at SoftwareAG. Good match but don't expect to be hired (old). Nancy on my case about applying at REI. I tripped out but then applied online. Don't expect income til October if at all.

    Nance and I hung out for a couple hours and had some good laughs. I'm so sorry for her. I meant to lift her up but I've brought her down. Sad this morning.

  5. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated the condition Social Anxiety Disorder

    • First symptom:
    • Diagnosis: ?

    After high school, where I made some very good friends, I found that I was putting no effort into socializing and making new friends. But I took part in many political activities protesting the Viet Nam war. After graduating from college I went off to live on a commune for 12 years. I did make some friends there, mostly with people I worked with. But I was afraid to make friends with some of the people there.

    It's worse when I think I'm a failure or not outgoing enough. It, too, make for a bad combination with depression. They reinforce each other.

  6. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated the condition ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)

    • First symptom:
    • Diagnosis: ?

    I've worked online since 1985 and that often leads to multi-tasking, which - over the years - has conditioned me to interrupt my own concentration. I have a hard time reading a book. I overlook things. I feel like something is forcing me to get many things done at once. It doesn't go well with major depression, I know that.

  7. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated the condition Major Depressive Disorder

    • First symptom:
    • Diagnosis:

    June of 2000 I married my second wife. We'd been a couple, living separately for about 15 years. We'd both been making pretty good money and waited until our kids (she - 3 girls, me - 4 boys and a stepdaughter) moved out to tie the knot. In early 2001 the dot-com crash happened and I struggled to find work. I was just getting my consulting business started in a visit to Washington D.C. and was there on 9-11. All consulting dried up again. A month later I got hit by a car while riding my bike. I couldn't work for 9 months. We got a small settlement from the driver. I was on pain meds. I spent through my retirement savings. Along about then my depressive symptoms began. I thought it was just Extreme Disappointment, but I couldn't function. Our couples therapist told me I needed to get out of the house and take any job I could find. The therapist on my health plan put me on Prozac. I took a retail job selling outdoor sporting equipment.

    I've been on psych meds ever since but I've gone through the jobless depression cycle 4 times. Now I'm 65 - still pretty healthy - but hard to sell myself in today's Internet market. Add to that we are broke and I've applied for about 50 jobs with only two phone interviews. Looking for a job at REI...again. I have reason to give up hope but every day I try to wake up and tell myself (and my unemployed wife) - "We're going to get through this and come out in better shape." It's pure will power but it's a struggle.

  8. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy was feeling bad

    Still no job. Approaching absolutely broke financial status. Yes, we do have a little retirement stash, but meanwhile getting deeper into debt again. Feeling disconnected with everyone except my wife, and I think we stay in denial just to keep our strength up.

    Maybe everyone is right about my being completely responsible for this situation - that I never corrected course or tried to excel, or steered enough by our financial situation. No sympathy.

    I did make $240 selling camping gear. But sad because those fun activities seem to be forever in the past now.

    And friend Paul in Austin gave me some job leads. I spent all afternoon writing a job application that matches my experience perfectly. Who am I kidding? I'm too old.

  9. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated the condition Generalized Anxiety Disorder

    • First symptom: ?
    • Diagnosis: ?
  10. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy completed the Mood Map survey

    • Function
    • Distress
    • External Stress
    • Depression
    • Emotional
    • Compulsion
    • Anxiety
    • Mania

    Dept, lack of income, unemployment

  11. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated his symptoms

    Anxious mood BetterAnxious mood, Lack of motivation, Low self esteem, Nausea, Problems concentrating
    Inability to experience pleasure (anhedonia) WorseInability to experience pleasure (anhedonia), Insomnia
    severe SeverePersistent worry
    moderate ModerateRestlessness
    mild MildAnticipatory anxiety, Avoidance of situations, Fear of embarrassment
  12. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy added a profile picture

  13. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated the condition Dysthymia (Chronic depressed mood)

    • First symptom: ?
    • Diagnosis: ?
  14. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy shared details about Wellbutrin

  15. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy shared details about Celexa

  16. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated his weight

  17. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy updated his symptoms

    Headaches BetterHeadaches, Back pain
    Problems concentrating WorseProblems concentrating, Nausea
    severe SevereDepressed mood, Anxious mood, Low self esteem
    moderate ModerateLack of motivation, Inability to experience pleasure (anhedonia)
    mild MildInsomnia
  18. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy became a 3 star data donor! star earnedstar earnedstar earned

  19. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy was feeling very good

    Decided it's OK to feel real good once in a while.

  20. 63821 thumb
    swoopy
    Sex: M
    Data Quality: 1 star
    Depression: 2
    Mania: 0
    Emotional: 1
    Anxiety: 2
    Compulsion: 1
    External Stress: Severe
    65 M
    Function: Moderate
    Distress: Low
    I am: b
    I have:
    Major Depressive Disorder

    swoopy was feeling good

    Good has become normal

  21. Show more