PatientsLikeMe ™

i have had this bi-polar most of my life. one therapist claims it is/was borderline personality disorder but the doc keeps treating me for bi-polar. have had many discussions about 'being on the same page!'. anyway...  self diagnosed after patty duke came out after her book came out. i had been to my country family doc in the hills where i then lived. he pooh poohed me and  said there was nothing wrong with me. but i knew there was something wrong with me. started drinking and continued to smoke dope daily... ONLY after my kids were in bed, of that i am certain! basically was raising my three little boys by myself, husband being gone. we divorced 6 months after new baby was born.  so when patti came on afternoon television in late july 1985 i KNEW of what she was speaking. just the degree was different. and i almost NEVER watched afternoon tv.

i immediately called my new city doc. saw him, he pulled in some favors and i saw a psych the next day. was on lithium and only lithium for about 8 or so years. and i was the bestest teacher and mom you ever saw or knew. now i understand i was on a low level hypomanic. then i just knew life was great. raised my boys from (oldest) 7-17... (youngest (2-9). then all hell broke loose. had bad kidney infection. was given something that contained aspirin compound. i went (undiagnosed) toxic big time. i now realize my drinking and smoking dope had been a real struggle to self-medicate. i wasn't asked by psychiatrist about drinking or smoking pot. i had changed to new HMO and was only being followed by a primary care giver. she was prescribing the litium.  BEWARE, BE VERY WARY OF TAKING LITHIUM AND ASPIRIN  AT THE SAME TIME IN ANY FORM. there are 2% of us lithium users (which is already a small %age of the total population) which may be aspirin sensitive to aspirin as a conjunctive therapy for other conditions.

the aspirin crashed my world. ever since that episode of asprin and lithium i have never been the same. the medical community finally figured out the component of the aspirin. by then my kidney infection was gone but my world was gone as i knew it.

i have been on constantly changing cocktails ever since. i have been hospitalized many times since that time. i go from one group of Rx to another group as one will work on symptoms for a while then cease to work and symptoms will return. then we try another group. god i hate this illness and the havoc it has/is wreaking in my life. i feel as though i can never make long term plans or form any type of relationship because i never know what/who i'll be in 6 weeks or 6 months!!

i entered the psychward in november 2008 after being free of hospitalizations since 2003. i had been diagnosed as bi-polar II all of that time. suddenly i was swinging w/manic episodes. that is what caused the hospital 'visit' in late '08. i've had 4-5 swings that way in the four months since then. oh, how i hate this! i'm swinging again. in a mixed state now.. too manic to sleep, constantly pressured, but so depressed i am weeping all the time and wanting to isolate. became very paranoid on my way home from a mtng mon night. got so disorientated i was lost and didn't know where i was. i have driven those roads weekly for 3 yrs. i backed up and hit a car. luckily no damaged, was disoriented, sobbing, guy yelling, rightly so. i should not have been driving. but i had to get home and, at that time, could not figure out any other way to do it. became terribly paranoid. finally got home and double-locked myself in home and stayed there. i am still here. not so scared now.

(i have been a friend of Bill W for three years now. successfully for 903 days in a row, counting weekend and holidays. don't worry if you don't understand this sentence. if you do understand then you get it. i'm struggling VERY HARD with this higher power thing. really wish i could just let go w/ step 2! but i don't seem to be able to do so!)

boy did i just take a bird-walk. sorry bout that.

i am scared of this mania stuff. it is NOT what i am used to dealing with. this mixed state sucks!

is there any one out here that self-medicated symptoms and then the substance of self-medicating came around and bit them on the butt? i am just rambling and weeping now so i will just say... this is a kodac snapshot of my life so far... and i really don'e like being this way. but IN NO WAY AM I SELF HARMING.