Seriously failing to see the point here... therapist on Wednesday. I've been working on disability, but I don't see myself getting it done within' the next few days. I could go out tonight... maybe even go to see my friends... but no. Just depressed. Sitting in the dark in my room. Seriously failing to see the point in doing anything.
I feel like all my hopes and dreams have been ripped away from me. I don't see the point in going back to school for what I wanted. I mean... why? I don't even know if it works. What's the point in life if you have to take medications just to be able to move? I can't break that thought... that without these meds... I'd be in excrutiating pain.
Maybe some people learn to live with it and move on, to find joy in life, but my joy had just begun. My career ripped away from me and everything I'd accomplished. Please, tell me, what's the point?
Maybe I really do need to be on more drugs... just to be fucking happy. Right now, I don't want to be here. If I thought suicide would help things I'd fucking do it. I am OVER this shit. I feel so weird, like an outcast, like no one wants to be my friend. I wanted to go out so badly last night but could't. Now that I can tonight... I don't fucking want to. I fucking hate that.
I've stopped caring if I cut or not. I can wear shorts when I swim. Who gives a fuck? I mean, what does it matter? It helped me get shit done. Maybe I should do it again so I can move on with my life, perhaps feel better tomorrow.
I have no job, no money, no career. I'm twenty seven and next year is my high school reunion. What can I say I've accomplished? Until a year ago... nothing. Now that I finally accomplished something? I'm sick. I can't do it.
I feel like nobody likes me. Like if I go to see people... I just annoy them. That they don't really WANT to see me. I'm just... there. They talk to me because they have to, not because they want to. What is the point in living? I'd really like to know... when does the pain stop? I'm fucking over this shit. Peace out.