Okay... doing alright. The Humira injection went really well, despite my panic. No horrible side effects. Just really tired and slept most of the next day. A bit of nausea, but nothing like Methotrexate. I'm surprised, but pleased. Hopefully it stays this way.

Hopefully going to the springs on Tuesday. A bit nervous because of how cold the water is. I am worried I won't be able to get in or will be too cold and ouchies. I want to have a good time and not ruin it for my friend. Plus, I love the water. Going to borrow my girlfriend's underwater camera. I am excited. Will probably make some pasta or snack type food to put in a cooler for it. Maybe even bring some coal and noms to grill. We'll see what I have the energy to prepare. Either way, it should be fun.

Okay... had a really good day. Did some gardening and went swimming until I was a prune. Hah. Made dinner with my friend... safron rice, beans, and steamed veggies fried up in coconut oil and sazon seasoning. Also had some fried tofu which tasted like egg... it was good! We got a big thing of mini cupcakes and I just finished showering... I'm freaking EX.HAUS.TED. Bed soon. Gonna watch a movie first though. Hopefully I won't wake up with horrible anxiety tomorrow. I have therapy on Wednesday and Thursday I leave to go to my "friends" again... looking forward and not at the same time. Having issues with one person and it's eating at me... sigh... I dunno what to do. I may not stay for very long. I dunno. I really need to work on my disability more, but I've been more active and it makes me think, "What if...?"... I may not need it by the time it rolls around, but I may someday. I dunno... so frustrating. I don't want to deal with it. I accomplish a section every two weeks. I really should speed it up a bit.

Up and down a lot today. I'm "good" compared to how I've been... so technically... more Neutral-Bad in reality, but I can feel myself going up.

I know why I've been so upset and I need to not let it eat at me. It's hard when you're so depressed though.

I'm going to do my hair and hopefully make it out of here soon. I'd like to make a class on something, but I'm so sleepy and comfy right now that I haven't started my hair yet. If I left at 4:30 I could probably make it... maybe. That's only an hour though!

I tried to do my Humira pen last night and practically had a panic attack. I don't want to get into it right now, but I finally managed to push the button and then jumped and the liquid went evvvvvvverywhere. Someone told me to call Humira and they will be sending me a replacement. YAY. I have to wait until next Friday though, so someone can do it for me. Just going to do it that way for now. The clicking sound is AWFUL for me. I hate sudden noises like that. The syringe is an option in the future at least.....

Okay... off to do my hair. Hope it turns out alright. emoticon smile emoticon heart

P.S. I survived the week... was very suicidal... do I get a cookie now?

Caring less and less. Thought she cared, but where is she? I don't understand people sometimes. I am tired, tired of trying. My head is in a very bad place. Not sure what to do about it. I usually come out of it, but I dunno about this time. I feel like I have no reason to go to school, no reason to live for what I wanted. I felt safe here, but now I just feel like a ant, unseen, able to hide so easily, without even trying.

Am I really here?

Seriously failing to see the point here... therapist on Wednesday. I've been working on disability, but I don't see myself getting it done within' the next few days. I could go out tonight... maybe even go to see my friends... but no. Just depressed. Sitting in the dark in my room. Seriously failing to see the point in doing anything.

I feel like all my hopes and dreams have been ripped away from me. I don't see the point in going back to school for what I wanted. I mean... why? I don't even know if it works. What's the point in life if you have to take medications just to be able to move? I can't break that thought... that without these meds... I'd be in excrutiating pain.

Maybe some people learn to live with it and move on, to find joy in life, but my joy had just begun. My career ripped away from me and everything I'd accomplished. Please, tell me, what's the point?

Maybe I really do need to be on more drugs... just to be fucking happy. Right now, I don't want to be here. If I thought suicide would help things I'd fucking do it. I am OVER this shit. I feel so weird, like an outcast, like no one wants to be my friend. I wanted to go out so badly last night but could't. Now that I can tonight... I don't fucking want to. I fucking hate that.

I've stopped caring if I cut or not. I can wear shorts when I swim. Who gives a fuck? I mean, what does it matter? It helped me get shit done. Maybe I should do it again so I can move on with my life, perhaps feel better tomorrow.

I have no job, no money, no career. I'm twenty seven and next year is my high school reunion. What can I say I've accomplished? Until a year ago... nothing. Now that I finally accomplished something? I'm sick. I can't do it.

I feel like nobody likes me. Like if I go to see people... I just annoy them. That they don't really WANT to see me. I'm just... there. They talk to me because they have to, not because they want to. What is the point in living? I'd really like to know... when does the pain stop? I'm fucking over this shit. Peace out.

Okay.... almost good. Got some soda and some candy. Just chilling. Should watch a movie. Am tired.

Ow... ow... ow. Keep overdoing it. Forgot to take pain meds until midnight and had to double up on them AND take a hot bath. Can I PLEASE have something better than meloxicam please? Ugh.

I don't want to be fucking sick anymore. I DON'T. I don't want to take pills or injections or shots, not for my entire life. I DO NOT want to do this. I want to be normal and travel and exercise and be free to go to a FUCKING motherfucking craft faire BY. MY. FUCKING. SELF. And be able to stand and walk around without pain and not need a MOTHERFUCKING WHEELCHAIR just to do something like that.

I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate my big fat ass body and I want to cut it all up into pieces and shreds. At least marks are pretty. I fucking hate this shit and I hate the people that don't understand or try to understand. Yeah... that's a lot of hate, huh? Let it eat me up? Okay, I WILL.

EAT ME UP. FUCKING KILL ME. SHOOT ME. I AM SO OVER THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!

Meh... bored. Thinkin' I might head home soon. Everybody is just lying around and I am booooooooooored. She is sick so I understand, it's just frustrating. I just want to be outside where it's bright and happy. Plus... maybe do something tonight. I dunno. We'll see. I don't want to wait around here all day to end up doing nothing, but I do enjoy seeing them both, so it's a hard decision. SIGH I'm also tired and don't want to move. Feel like throwing up after taking my Lamictal and just wanted to throw the bottle down the toilet. I don't want to take the stupid stuff. FRUSTRATED. Blah.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah blahdigity blah blah blah. BLAH.