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I really beat the odds today and I am proud of how I went about it. I was trembling most of the morning. Had an Ultra-sound done at 8:00am. So no coffee drinks or meds until after that. Still high anxieties as it was when I woke.
Took a short nap and told the anxieties to depart, fill the void with confidence and trust in guidance to break through my anxieties. Hunter and I took a ride, had fun, he got to ride the car (he's a 120lb chocolate lab---huge). Now I am better spirits.
Honestly this is forever true, survival with MS means you must face the fears and doubts with courageous conquest. Never let it win . Never give one inch to the accomplishments won. God sees this trait, but evil sees it too. You must always be aware that any crack in faith opens the entrance of those negative thoughts.

This is how I win. There can be no other way. I am sober now 12 years. It can not be accomplished without a spiritual experience. Once the ground work is firm and solid, then it it the journey begins.

Endless is that journey.

Busy day for me. Took Hunter to the pet grooming. He is a 120lb chocolate lab. He is also God's gift to me --my shadow through thick and thin. Then off to hardware store and spent $170 on landscape supplies. Made friends with a man in a wheelchair, inspired him with my story of wheelchair days. Another God-guided experience. Came home to a pile of dishes that don't fit the dishwasher, so cracked that off in about 30 minutes. Now I feel a good tired feeling.

Never doubt that there will be guidance in your day. The guidance comes if you live close, very broodingly close to God, just as a mother bird spreads her wings to the hopeful hatching of her offspring. Keep an eye ever so keen on Christ and there will be rewards evermore.

It is truly a great day. PT session went well. I am improving much on strengthening my core. I will start a membership there soon at the Healthplex. I t like a YMCA but an older crowd, which is what I like. No flirting or show-off people.
Hope entes the picture . Will my legs really improve from these exercises or are the destined to go down?
That is all in the hands of Jesus. My Hope and my Guide. He has brought me from despair to the greatest rewards beyond imagination.

My day started out far deep in anxieties, shakes,fears,blurred eyesight.trembling...... Why--is anyone's guess. I was feeling it last night before bedtime. Just a carryover, I suppose. At this point I am better but not fully confident.
There are so very many quirks to MS, and then add depression onto it. It makes life interesting.
One thought forever flowing through me, is that there is purpose for this. It is not just an oft told story. Most of my comrades here on PLM know this state of mind.
Important beyond all suffering is the strengthening power it gives. Impossible to see now but surely present. A moment's glance at that purpose and all is truly well. Remembering to see it is the great obstacle.

I do not know why I am feeling these tensions/anxieties today. It is just a slow day. I was ill last night and vomited during the night. Today, I have no energy at all. Feels like gravity is pushing me down 10x normal.
For what it is worth, I can't stand the sight of clutter. It is as if my life is so unorganized. I guess I am just feeling physically low and exhausted.
Vangie, my wife, wants to do many outside projects starting tonight. She is loaded with spunk and I am sluggish. Maybe when I wake tomorrow all will be well. I hope.

I am very good today because I so chose it. Often I am told what it is as to the pathway I should tread. Most of the time I do not want this, It seems wrong to follow when I think of it too much in my mind. It is always not the head but the heart. There it is that resides the spirit, the One that guides me.
I cannot say how I know this. To hear is to listen for that faint echo. The sounds of the Indwelling that speaks to me evermore. This cannot be learned, it is something that evolves more and more from trust, faith, the very sound of God's word. Seldom do I know whether this is the right way. Much prayer and abiding results in the guidance.
MS is never so much that I cannot endure. Always lurks the pain, the depressions, the uncertainty, the lingering doubt.
I know MS through and through-every step I take to kill 'self' is a step nearer to conquering the beast. Never must MS prevent me from choosing the difficult and misty journey. It is not a pathway for all, however, if I only could touch the heart of one, the greater my reward. For it is not for me to gain, and prosper but another who can see the face of success. I offer up my own comfort and dignity to God as a sacrifice to help another.
This I know to be true.

It is now afternoon and I feel great. The presence I sought earlier has carried over. I must learn to never doubt. It is a weakness for me.
Remember, the true guidance is always there. I just must see it.
I listen intently:

Oh let me hear thee speaking
in accent clear and still
Above the storms of passion
the echos of self-will.

Oh speak to reassure me
to hasten or control
Oh speak, and make me listen
The guardian of my soul.

This is in regard to my morning. It was difficult, full of anxieties and fear. If I had not heeded the guidance of God, my day would have been a waste. I felt the divine nudge to get away from the house and be amongst people. All of mankind is my hunting ground. I see a need and I address it. Maybe just a word or showing understanding. Seldom to these opportunities are sought out my myself. God puts me into His Will and I respond. Today was especially difficult for I was drowning in self-pity, and doubts.
I got myself out to cut the grass, which perplexed me cuz its a favorite thing for me to do,yet, it dragged on.
Where was the reassurance that I expected. I was disappointed and looking for his presence. I found Him later as the physical effort stopped.

Sometimes, believing is seeing. For there He was all the time waiting for my acceptance.

I am feeling a sweet serenity that only God and I know. Yes, my mind is trying to embrace panic and fear. If not for this reassurance of the unseen, I would most likely follow.
My greatest wish is not that I be relieved of these feelings of anxiety and the physical discomforts due to MS. It is that I share them with the power of Faith. I face this storm daily. It sits quietly while I sleep and then greets me with fear as I awaken.
Most likely it is that I am anticipating the morning feelings of despair. Somewhere in my mind I have the expectations of this disorder. I must always fight back , look directly into the storm and defeat it. But it is not the mind that in infinite, it is the soul, the personality that survives in eternity.
Oh, what a wondrous life this is to have these bumps in the pathway of my life. I look to the material comforts of life to find solutions, but what of the soul? It needs the nourishment's not of the material life, but of the eternal life. Away with fears and doubts! they are but phantoms in my mind. Not real at all.
This is what I do daily. Life without all of the trials that MS brings, are simply strengthening events that allow me to move mountains. This is becoming the purpose of this life for me, to find those in need and to fill that need. I lay down my will at the feet of the unseen power.

I seem to have stressed my Achilles tendon of the right foot. Had PT this morning so they took care of it, but still remains tender. I walk with a limp.
Started a new book, 'Hinds Feet on High Places' , very inspiring reading.
I feel empty these days. I need to push myself more to get busy with project. I just don't have the needed ambition. Maybe I do but don't know it yet.

Spent the whole afternoon Saturday at my daughter's college graduation. I was a difficult and disappointing day as far as leg weakness. The auditorium was huge and many steps to our seats. My legs just could hardly take it. The hips are the source of most of these problems. The PT sessions 2x/week help but I am not getting stronger. Fact is : it is getting worse. I need to make it into September for her wedding, and after that, I say "come what may".

Her Masters degree is in Occupational Therapy. Lucky me, I have my own professional to help me.

I have also made much progress against anxieties. I owe it all to God, for He have led me all of this time to the place I would be. I would never give up the toils of MS. The sorrows of it have led me into such a close relationship with God. It is something that I would have never been able to do if not for these afflictions.

I have so much to be thankful for. How can I not be joyous and rejoicing. I have a problem on PLM in that I am reserved to speak openly about my pure relationship with God. Many are they that are atheists or agnostic, but many also are as me--a true Faith base survivors. It is wrong to do so. I am going to make the turn around and express it as I should. There is too much credit that need to be openly revealed to God. My simple Faith and childlike trust. This I will do.

I'm good because I had a nice PT session today. That's not the only reason though. I am emerging from the rut that I allowed to dominate my life. I have the grace of God to thank for that.
I have found the pearl in the ocean. There, deep inside if life revealed to me like nothing I ever knew before.

My purpose has slowly begun to bear fruit. It is something remarkably true, pure as gold from the crucible. I must now begin to fashion it into a thing of beauty.