So tired and in such pain when I try to just do the "simplest" things like getting dressed, making a simple breakfast, writing this, shopping for food in an eledtrid dddddddddddddddddddddkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj ----- see? I just fell asleep typing this journal. I fell asleep going to the bathroom the other day. And they did a full gladdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd bloodwork up on me on saturday and efery ti jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj they took five vials of blood and hrin kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

It was a good day until 4:15pm. I;d had lunch with LC and her 95 yo mom and 80 yo cousin to her mom. The a two hour massage with MT. Felt great. Should have gone home and laid down as I knew I was on borrowed time. I had not had enough sleep and the power of the massage was going to be lost if I over did it on the way home. OH, no I promised myself. I just have to grab a few things at the store and then home. Wrong. Parking lot a mess with it being senior day AND nearly 5pm. Got cussed out by some drunk, greaser heads from who knows where for absolutely nothing. (As I was pulling into the space next to them, the guy on the passenger side, who had been standing talking to the driver outside of their truck, opens his door wide so I couldn't finish parking. My window was down and I asked politely if he'd jus close his door for a second. Apparently he had different ideas not only about who was in the right but about women in general and women who he thought appeared to have several screws loose! hahaha. Still. Things like that jangle my nerves and I did recover in about 10 minutes from their sudden, verbal attacks..... deep inside I could feel the relaxation of the massage start to fall away like bits of worn material that just can't hang on anymore. The rest is as boring as what I've already written -- struggled to get the groceries from the car parked on the street to our steps and then after all the bags were out, one by one up the steep stairs to the top. Then another rest. Then to inside the door and one by one through our long front hall way to our small kitchen. I wanted to collaps right there but food had to be put awaysddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddsaway and dinner made. The lamb chops caught on fire but luckily by then DH had arrived to save the meat. I'm so tired and in pain so much I really don't think I should be driving much of the time. I don't drive much actually so that is good. But even in the electric carts at the supermarket sometimes I just can't manoever them without hitting some corner display at least twice. I hate growing old.

I don't know. I should be feeling good for various reasons having to do mostly with my first private yoga/therapy session which was amazing. And then a sweet Mother's Day gift on the Persian Shield Pot nestled below the branches from MKP. And then a phone call from her.... but I am tired, hot, and finding it very hard to hang onto any feelings of wellness or positive energy. Drat. The fissure, like the jaws of death, have closed down on me again. But for a little while, I breathed. And it felt good.

Still having a hard time sleeping through the night because of pain and discomfort. Wake up tired and very groggy and fog headed. Eventually it wears off if I drink some coffee around mid-day -- I can't drink it earlier because it is too strong for me in the am. Makes me dizzy and off. Also it help if I can make myself jump into the shower right away in the am -- or a bath if I am super achey. Afternoons are usually better. Have been having some good times with DB and also MKP. I hate to say this but DB having a badly broken arm and being unable to work for weeks has been really great for both of us to have time together. I wish it didn't have to happen because of the broken arm but perhaps fate intervened in some way. I've also had an opportunity to be more a part of her youngest's life having to pick her up at school. Her shyness has disappeared and we talk animatedly the whole way home. She is in need of an "aunty" and as I used to care for her 20 hours a week from the time she was 3months to 2 years we have a strong connection anyway. So it's a perfect time for us to build on that as she heads into her Junior year in high school. Her mom, my friend and neighbor, is really happy that our relationship is strengthening as she feels her daughter needs more adult role models outside of school. I am honored to be considered to be and act in such a role in her life.

Still feel really low, tired, and walled off somehow. I seem to be able to do things for people and make them happy but I can't seem to feel anything positive really coming in. I mean last night I spent some time with a young woman I am like a mother to and who is in town for a bit. She says I am "her rock." That I am "amazing." I am happy that I can help her, make her feel more secure during this time of trial for her. I really am happy that somehow I can do that but really I don't do anything. I just listen and talk to her. I sometimes help draw out some feelings that are very deep inside of her and she sometimes cries like a little girl and I hug her and rub her back. I feel so maternal towards her and it feels good but I still don't think she see's me. Maybe we really can't see each other. Just through a glass darkly as best we can.